I was totally that person, the one desperately wanting love in my life, but finding it damn elusive. Every year that the heart cards and buckets of roses showed up in the stores, I wanted to hang my head in shame for still being single. Can you relate?
If this resonates with you, then you might want to check out my new book — Desperately Dating — about how I cracked the code on dating and managed to find the love of my life. Here’s a lil’ taste:
Finding true love is possible. I am proof of this.
My husband likes to tease me by pointing out that I went on about 8,000 dates in my quest to eventually find him, and he’s not all that far off. It was actually closer to 30 or 40, but who’s counting? Everyone is counting, that’s who! You very possibly have an (un)impressive number of entries racked up on your dating card, too. (No judgement — that’s how the game is played!)
Because here’s a not-so-secret secret: dating is a numbers game. That means that you have to get your shit together, go on enough (read: lots of) dates, keep learning and growing, and resist settling down too soon. And you, too, will find a soul-satisfying relationship.
Sounds simple, right? Well, it can be — if we avoid getting in our own way.
I’ll tell you the story of how I did it. How I “desperately dated” in an effort to not feel so pathetic after my divorce. How I overcame the shame and embarrassment of being single in my 40s and took time to heal and learn and grow from it.
This allowed me to finally see the myths about dating and relationships that had been holding me back from finding (and staying happy with) Mr. Right.
The quest for love wasn’t necessarily an easy process for me, but neither was it hard. It just required time and effort. The cool thing is that all that time and effort helped me grow as a person, regardless of my relationship status. Read on and you’ll see what I mean.
First off, let’s begin with an eternal question: what even is love and why do we need or want it in our lives?
Our parents and seeing how they interacted with each other was likely the first introduction for most of us regarding what “love” means (for better or for worse, depending upon what we witnessed!). Were the people who raised us kind and respectful toward each other? Did they smile a lot and seem generally happy? If so, that’s what we end up expecting love to be.
But if they were acrimonious and nasty to each other with tense silences but stayed together (or split up), then that becomes our early — and possibly lifelong — understanding of how love works.
These patterns become ingrained and we tend to not be aware of or question them. Not everyone is raised in a two-person household, but I’ll wager that most of us have some early exposure to the love relationships between adults that leaves a mark (or perhaps a scar).
Society tells us that love, the romantic kind of love, is an essential element for a complete life, but the details after that become somewhat hazy. Depending upon where you get your information on such matters, love is an act of fate — a random lightning bolt shooting out of the sky and knocking you silly when you finally meet your person.
Others portray love as a complicated calculation in which we weigh a person’s faults against their assets and determine whether they’re a suitable match. Many confuse love with lust or affection, or even simple kindness. Some of us want love to heal us where we hurt. Or complete us where we’re lacking. Some want love for companionship or security or even status.
My idea of real, true love is the kind that makes you swoon but also challenges you to be a better person and never stop growing.
Love is about allowing myself to be truly naked in front of another person and not holding back who I am. It’s being seen on a deep, profound level — understood and accepted and even admired for who I am. (This can be hard to receive, or at least it was for me and maybe even still is, but I’m getting there).
And it means giving exactly that back to the other person (and it’s always way easier to give). Creating a judgment-free zone in our relationship where it’s safe for us both to learn and grow, as well as explore the world and ourselves.
It’s about having a wingman for the inevitable hard times in life, someone who won’t abandon me when things get a little tough (or when I myself get a little tough).
Love is also about celebrating the joys in life together, small and large. Cheering each other on through it all. Laughing together so hard that your belly hurts.
Much is made about fireworks and passion when talking about love, but don’t confuse those things for love (although sure, there’s gotta be some heat between you for it to be a satisfying relationship).
I admit that I’m unapologetically sex-positive (despite my fairly straitlaced upbringing). Sex is nothing to be ashamed of and can be a great source of joy, but physical stuff can’t be the only glue holding you together, because it won’t.
I’m partial to this as a definition of love by John Wellwood, American psychotherapist and author:
“When we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery — that intimate relationship can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred space where we can be ourselves as we are …This kind of unmasking — speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, and revealing our raw edges — is sacred activity [that] allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply.”
Maybe it’s time for a bit of a disclaimer. I’m not a matchmaker or a therapist or any kind of scientist who studies romance. My own experience in love and relationships is the only real qualification I have to write on this topic, but luckily, I think that’s the only one that matters. I’ve found true love, and so this makes me an expert. Right? Okay, not really. But I am observant and have experience and wisdom from which to draw upon, and I gleefully pass those things on to you here.
You’d think that dating is merely about getting to know the other person and evaluating them as a potential romantic partner. While this is true, I found what I learned about myself through dating much more enlightening and ultimately helpful in the search for love. I thought I had it all figured out when I resumed dating after divorce, but no — no indeed I did not.
I did do some things right, though — I took some time alone, I cried, I reflected, I owned my part in the failure of my relationship, and then I made a detailed list of everything I wanted (and wouldn’t tolerate) in my next partner. Healed and whole once again, I dove back into the dating pool. If only it were that simple.
I was far from healed from the ending of my marriage when I first started dating again. But even though it goes against conventional wisdom, I do believe that dating helped heal my broken heart. It was through exposure to lots of different people via dates — lots of them — that I identified the parts of me that were still broken and hurting.
Tending to these wounds allowed me to get to know myself better, and a complete picture of what was important to me in a partner and relationship started to fully emerge. My initial list was a helpful starting point, but lived experience through dating was what allowed me to refine the sketch, so to speak, of my longed-for love.
That said, true love didn’t just show up one day and bite me in the ass. However, with a little thought, a little time, and a little patience, it got a lot easier to find my way in the dating world (you’ll see what I mean by this in a bit).
It also bears a mention that I’m a consummate introvert, and so if I can successfully navigate dating and find a great relationship, surely you can, too. It was scary and uncomfortable in the beginning, putting myself out there and meeting a lot of strangers. I was way, way outside my comfort zone.
But once I made it through the nerve-racking first few dates, gained a little confidence, and figured out my dating routine, it started to feel easier. This might not sound very romantic, but compare this with job interviews or public speaking — it really does help to practice.
And online dating is kind of a dream for introverts, if you think about it. You get to shop for a partner online, quietly and privately. You can be whoever you want while chatting virtually, so go ahead and try on some bolder sides of yourself. It’s a low step into the online dating world for the more introverted amongst us, but just make sure that you don’t stay there! It’s so important that your cyber canoodling becomes a real-life date soon.
A big tip for my fellow introverts is to look for another introvert who understands your temperament and doesn’t want to change it. To be honest, I’ve yet to meet an extroverted person who understands and accepts that we’re okay the way we are — introversion and introspection and all.
Despite your personality type, one thing remains true for all of us and that is: Your real love will love you for all of you, not despite certain parts that they grudgingly accept or even tolerate. Remember that.
In my book, I share a sample of all of the many crazy dates I went on and the insights I gained so that you can gawk, laugh at my foibles, and possibly see a bit of yourself in them. And maybe — hopefully — learn something useful.
Information about Desperately Dating, including where to purchase, can be found here.
